“Is Elmo a vampire?”
“No! Why would you ask that?!”
“Because he’s been a little kid forever.”
-a conversation between me and one of my kids…
I crave red meat all the time. When my husband suggests going out for dinner, my first response is always “steak!” followed by “brownies!” and then “Starbucks!”.
Yeah, I’m healthy, I know.
Anyway, I’m fortunate enough to have access to this thing called a Wellness Center, wherein lies mysterious contraptions like a “Bod-Pod” and a “VO2 Sat Calculator” and a “dietician”. Have you ever seen a Bod-Pod? It’s like a giant suppository that you climb inside, like Mork from “Mork and Mindy”. (nah-noo, nah-noo. where’s my rainbow belt buckle?) Thus far, I’ve been too chicken to climb inside and hang out for an hour or however long it would take for the thing to tell me I’m not normal. I have clausterphobia.
(did you know that? did you know that I have to sleep closest to the door, that I can’t stand to be blocked into a corner, even by my kids? that I’ve punched my husband for unknowingly closing the bathroom door on me? that I have to fight the urge to swing at anyone who gets too close to me at the grocery store? that just reaching into the dryer to get a load of laundry requires that I physically steel myself? yeah. I don’t do well in confined spaces. My husband, God love him, has adapted to my weirdness. He announces when he’s approaching my back, when he’s going to reach over my head for a glass, or when he’s going to move past me for the milk. He gave me the “exit sink” in the bathroom. I must be so fun to live with…)
So back to the Wellness Center…I met with a nurse who measured my VO2Sat. If Lance Armstrong is part dolphin, I’m part brick. “That’s okay, that just means there’s lots of room for improvement! It’s exciting!” Chipper Blond Nurse is so chipper. Also, she suggested I’m anemic. Here are a list of foods I’m supposed to be noshing on to assist with the whole “iron transports oxygen which works your body” stuff:
dark leafy greens, beans & lintels, egg yolks, calves’ liver (not bloody likely, mate!), dried fruits, mollusks (ick!) and red meat.
Turns out that, yes, I get to be a Cullen and eat all the lean, red meat my belly will hold. As long as all it will hold is the size of a deck of cards. pppffffffttt!
The following items will not increase my iron intake and will not make Chipper Blond Nurse proud of me:
Snickers bars, pina coladas, Twinkies, SlimJims, jelly, ice cream, anything from Starbucks, brownies, those cheddar biscuits from Red Lobster, Doritos, Dr. Pepper, Hawaiian Punch, wine
The reason I went to the Wellness Center in the first place is that since my husband has been home from his extended stay Over There, I’ve turned into the StayPufft Marshmallow woman. “Happy Pounds”. …uh-huh. Also, in September, Toy and I are going to run/walk the Women’s Running Half-Marathon in Nashville. Apparently, if I weigh less and have more muscle tone, those 13.1 miles will be easier. I like easier. Except now every time I work out, I have to do math. I have to calculate my heart rate, my recovery, how many reps I’ve done and still need to do, how much my BMI has changed in the past 6 weeks, what time of the month it is, and how accurate Glenn Beck is about The State of Things…
I hate math. Pray for me. Pray for me and my new Mathness and my Iron-ness.
…and above all, pray that some genius figures out how to cram more iron into a venti, iced, non-fat, caramel macchiato with three extra shots of espresso, mmmkay?